Yes, you did hit a mailbox, but you also took out a HOUSE!

Remember, the accused are innocent until proven guilty in a court of law, even when they would pretty much admit to it if they could just quite remember what happened . . . .

Yes, my dear, you hit a house, two houses down from where you were later found, and you left a hell of a mess to be cleaned up, as well as my disabled mother and dogs trapped inside while I was stuck on the interstate an hour away.  The side view is what I first saw as I came around the corner to my driveway.

At least we once again have access to the front door.


Many thanks to the Daily News Express for their article.  Until we happened across this entertaining little paper at the gas station Friday morning, I had never laid eyes on this woman in my life.  Too bad I ever had to at all.

And many thanks to the Rockwood Police Department, the Rockwood Fire Department, and the Rockwood Utility Board, all of whom responded to my sister's frantic 9-1-1 calls from 40 miles away and who acted promptly to bring the situation under control and the suspect under arrest.  Thank you to my non-DUI neighbors who came forward with witness accounts and who offered their help and services, including picking up the police report for me because I had to be back to work on Friday.  Thank you to my wonderful employers who asked no questions when I needed the day off after this to get our affairs in order with the insurance company.  And a special thanks to Police Sergeant Jason Halliburton who is not only a friend and the arresting officer, but who also took time out the following day to check on us, and who also came to our rescue by securing help in getting the offending porch off of the house when no one else wanted to touch it.  You all made a chaotic mess so much easier than it could have been.

Let this be a reminder as to what drugs of all kinds can do to a human brain.  And to your neighbor's house.

Told Ya So

It wasn't but a few days ago that I told  my mother for the billionth time that I am pretty much done with being a home owner.  I am tired of the responsibility.  I have plenty of other things to keep my mind occupied and I would like my place of residence to be one less thing.  There is always something: the air conditioning unit needs work, the eaves need to be cleaned and in some places replaced, the back deck needs to be finished and restored, blah, blah, blah. 

Well, the point I have been trying to make was given its very own exclamation mark yesterday evening.  I came home from an extra-long day at work to be greeted by this:

The front of our house was hit by a neighbor a few houses up. We don't know her, nor do we want to.  This all happened as my sister and I were preparing to leave Knoxville for the day, and in her state of shock, our mother called us first instead of the police.  So as I drove as far above the speed limit as unsignaling semis pulling in front of me would allow, my sister worked on calling 9-1-1 (no easy feat when you are in a different county than the one where the emergency is actually happening), and my mother, now stuck inside the house, is only guessing as to what happened as she heard the porch being ripped from the front of the house.  The only other exit from the house is out the patio doors and down some very steep steps off the pool deck that she has much difficulty maneuvering.  By the time we pulled in the driveway, the street was blocked off by the fire department and the police, they were waiting for our electric utility to come settle some wiring questions, and the police cars were parked in front of the house down the street.  The woman was arrested for DUI and I hope for leaving the scene of an accident, although I won't have the final police report until tomorrow.  Yes, the genius hit the house (which incidentally does NOT sit anywhere near the road off which she came flying), left the scene, drove two houses down, and she went home as if nothing happened.  Thankfully there were witnesses who tipped off the police.

I am grateful for many things.  My mother was outside on that porch approximately 3 minutes prior to this woman charging through our yard as she brought the dogs in from their walk.  The fact that she hit the house exactly at the porch's support beam saved us from the car actually coming through our living room.  I was not yet home, so my car was not parked in its usual spot in front of the house or she would have taken it out too.  The Rockwood Police and Fire Departments, as well as our electric utility board were kind, gracious, and helpful, and took immediate action in arresting the person responsible.  There were witnesses who came forward and made sure the right thing was done.  Our insurance company will be here tomorrow to assess the damage and hire someone to make the necessary repairs.  And I work for a FABULOUS boss who, when I called her in my time of stress to ask off work today, was concerned about me and my well-being, not my attendance at work, freeing me up to take care of the insurance company, the mortgage company, attorneys, and police reports, as well as a VERY frazzled mother and some stressed out and confused dogs (they don't quite understand why their routine of going outside via the front door has been altered). And I have a gazillion friends who took the time to text, call, and check on us and offer up help and support in anything that might be needed.  Yes, I have much for which to be thankful.

You just never know how your day will end up.  Count your lucky stars when the day ends without major mishap or disaster, even if you wish it could have gone just a little better.  It ALWAYS  could  have gone worse. 

Now I am off to take more pictures for the insurance company and find someone to remove the heap of trash that was once my front porch.   :)

To clarify ....

I have seen so many posts and comments made about President Obama neglecting to honor veterans and fallen soldiers this Memorial Day. In fact our President did honor the dead today back in his home state of Illinois. What could be more appropriate than that? Really, people think he neglected his duties because he chose to pay his respects outside of D.C.? Not all of our dead lie in rest at Arlington, folks. My grandfather fought in WWII and is resting peacefully in Ohio. I'm sure he is just as thankful for the gratitude shown today in Illinois as he would have been had it come from anywhere else. Happy Memorial Day to all, and I link so everyone knows I didn't make this up.





http://www.msnbc.msn.com/id/37436443/ns/us_news-life/

A Word to the Wise

This week has been hard. Very hard.  So hard that Monday felt like an eternity and I was already not wanting but needing the weekend. Most of it has been work-related, but all the way around it has just been an exhausting, chaotic, never-ending week.  Today (and it's only Wednesday) was the final straw.  So yes, I am venting.  I don't care if anyone reads my blog, this is one of the few things I do in my life for my own benefit, so yes, I am about to vent, right here, right now.

Most of us with an ounce of common sense know that good teachers are a rarity.  Let me tell you why: because they are not appreciated, not by parents, not by ungrateful students, not by society as a whole.  Everyone will admit teaching is one of the most important professions one can enter into, yet as a general rule, teachers get paid next to nothing to shape, mold, and care for your most precious possession: your child.  Now I admit it, I have it good.  Unlike many, I am appreciated by my employer, and my students are too young to be jaded about school so as a general rule, they adore me and enjoy coming into my classroom everyday.  That is because I am a good teacher, and I know this.  I'm not the best, but I strive to be, which is what makes me good.  My kids learn something everyday, they have fun, they love me yet they respect me and my boundaries, and in almost 12 years of teaching in some capacity, I have maybe a handful of children and parents with whom I just couldn't get along and find some way to make that necessary bond that needs to exist between student, family, and teacher.  

I appreciate the many parents who show and speak their appreciation for the job I do.  Many recognize that I spend more waking hours with their children each day than they do.  Many tell me they see my influence on their child's life and they see how hard I work to do what I do each day.  Because of these parents, I am usually quite happy to get up and go to work each morning.  I put in my own time to ensure my classroom is fun, inviting, and challenging because I know the children will benefit and because I want to do a good job each day.

Then there are days like today when some parents make it quite clear that I am nothing more than the hired help.  They went out of their way to show me they consider their time to be valuable while mine is expendable.  Not only do they not show appreciation of what I do each day, but they act as if my extra effort and diligence is expected.  Guess what - it isn't.  I do things for your child that you will never understand, of which you will never be aware, and for which I don't get paid, except with the hugs and adoration that emanates from your child's eyes.  I am SOOOOOOO glad that has been enough for me, because if not, I would have told you all to go to hell and left this profession long ago.  My life could be easier emotionally and financially if I didn't find it so important to be a part of your child's life.  

So I have advice for all and everyone.  If you find a teacher that you know is a genuinely good teacher, a teacher who cares about your child and whom your child enjoys, do this: say thank you.  Tell that teacher he/she is important to you and that you see the great job that is being done.  Understand that every good teacher puts forth time and energy that you will never see, for which he/she will never get paid.  Understand that while your child's development and education are the rewards we seek at the end of the day, your one moment of ingratitude and general rudeness can wipe all that happened good that day.  Take serious the role teachers play in your child's life and show respect for the job that is being done.  When you aren't there to hold your child's hand, hug your child, give your child the encouragement needed to take that risk necessary to reach the next milestone, it is a teacher that is there doing the job for you.  Remember that and remember we aren't required to care. It is what a good teacher does and just like your child, you have the power to make or break that teacher's spirit in an instant.

Now I can breathe and sleep well knowing that as a good teacher,  I kicked ass today, and that as a parent, many of you sucked.    :)

The Power of Subtlety

Because I need to write, I need to put something out there, yet I am totally drawing a blank (too much traffic in the head leads to a jam), I am going to just say this:

If you didn't watch last night's season finale of Grey's Anatomy, you missed out on some of the best television to I have ever viewed.  Yes, the storyline (a crazed shooter in a hospital) was riveting and the acting was Emmy-worthy, but what caught my attention was the skilled filming.  So many times in this finale, it wasn't what you could see that keep you gripping your seat, but what you couldn't see, what was reflected in the horrified eyes of someone else.  There were moments when the events in question were happening just off-screen, just out of the viewer's reach, yet you could still sense it, you could hear it, and you knew it was coming as you stared helplessly into the eyes of another horrified character.  There were moments when no action at all took place, and the adrenaline rushed from the silence befell your waiting ears.  Anyone who knows about me and how I think knows how I feel about perspective and valuing what others see even if it is beyond your own experience.  The Grey's finale often depended on perspective: the perspective of the unknowing bystander, the perspective of the doctor hiding under the bed, the perspective of a helpless and pregnant wife watching from afar as a gun is pointed at her husband.  Maybe it was the reliance on perspective that made me feel this episode more than usual, although from the Facebook posts I saw last night and today, I am not the only one who enjoyed this gripping, spellbinding ride.

My advice: if you didn't catch this episode, find it online or look for it to be replayed in the fall prior to the new season opener.  You won't be sorry.

Thank you for allowing me this.  I will try for something a little deeper next time.

xo

I Feel Like I'm from Target, But . . .

As I work on a little project tonight, I find myself having very contradictory feelings about this week. For a few reasons, this is a week I have needed for a while. This is the first semi-laid back week we have had at work in a long while, and with Good Friday coming up, it is a short week as well. I feel like I am breathing this week at work for the first time in a few months.


Yet I am also dreading Thursday. You see, just shy of a year ago, I took over as lead teacher in the classroom that is now mine. I did so with much trepidation, anxiety, and stress, but I felt it was a move I needed to make for many reasons. And in my moment of transition and fear, I met someone who has become so much more than a coworker to me. The beautiful soul that would share a room with me and 18 children for 8 hours a day, day after day for a year would indeed become a near and dear friend.


Yes, Theresa has been my other half for a year. If I was having a bad day, I would count on her to sense as much and pick up my slack. If I needed to be away from the classroom for any reason, whether it be for an hour, a day, or a week, I could trust my kids were in capable hands who loved them and cared about their education and well being as much as I do. If I needed to talk, to vent, or just to share what was going on in my life, I knew I would have a pair of ears ready to listen, never judge. From the moment she hugged me when she found out I would be her new “roommate,” I knew this was someone special and I was lucky to know her. I just didn’t know how lucky.


Theresa is moving to Nashville this week, and these are my final days with her in the classroom. I trust our friendship will continue, and she will always be special to me, always, yet I am already dreading walking in the classroom and knowing I won’t see her smiling face. I am already missing our chats, her smirks as I make a sarcastic comment, our knowing smiles as we share an unspoken, inside joke about something no one else quite understands. I will miss spending 8 hours a day with one of the sweetest, most kind-hearted, fairest, greatest women I have ever known. I will miss spending my days with my friend, the one who made anything and everything bearable, the one who has always helped me find the laughter in any situation. The one who reminds me daily that “whining gets you nothing” and “it’s either laugh or cry.”


Theresa, just remember when I cry on Thursday, it is because I will always cherish the laughter you brought into my life. Thank you for all you have done for me and for our classroom. Thank you for being more than just a coworker. Thank you for being, well, for being you. I couldn’t have asked for anything more, and the shoes you have left will be impossible to fill.


So yes, folks, this will be a bittersweet week. I was looking forward to today, and it was a fabulous day, but I am not looking forward to the days ticking by too quickly as the day I will have to say goodbye nears. So bear with me. I will try to keep it in check on Thursday, but I am afraid the dam is already starting to burst.

Lost

I am lost. I don’t remember ever having been this lost before, even when death himself took those I love away from me. I feel empty, quite literally. I have never had this particular feeling before, like my insides are literally gone and all that is left is a hollowed piece of broken chaos. I’m confused. I saw this coming yet I refused to ever let myself believe it would actually happen. The silliest things make me cry – “nothing you confess could make me love you less” – and at that moment the hollowness seems to be drowned in salty warmth. I guess I should be grateful for that one feeling I have left, even if it is ripping me apart . . . .

This has changed me. I believed I had found my forever and instead I found my ultimate end. I saw my future in you and I saw it die. I felt things for you I had never felt before and I know for a fact I will never feel them again because never will I allow myself to give myself like this to another human being. Never again will I risk this hurt and pain and sadness and regret. It isn’t worth it. Nothing is worth this. Nothing is worth losing the only thing you ever truly wanted and fought for, the only thing in your life you gave your all to hold on to. The only thing for which you would have given up your own being . . . .

I can’t function. Someone today said I was “in a zone.” Yes, a war zone, fighting my own head and heart, torn between loving you and hating you, my heart bleeding and broken and unable to recover. I need something I can’t have. I want something that doesn’t want me. I gave all of me and it wasn’t enough, it was never enough, yet I foolishly thought it was good enough to secure everything for me. I handed over my heart only to have it handed back, rejected, trampled upon, hopelessly beating blood and lost hope. I gave it away and I can’t take it back, no matter how pretty you wrap the return package . . . .

I don’t belong here anymore. This ceased being my home when I found my home in you. I see streets I have known for years and I wonder where I am. I see people who I know love me yet they seem to be complete strangers. I carry out a daily routine that seems foreign and forced to me now. I need to get away, run as far away from here and you and myself as I can. I need to exist outside of me for a while. The question is who will carry me while I allow myself to disappear? . . . .

You took so much from me: my heart, my love, my life, my time. I am left with nothing but this damned hollow echo, yet you are left with the fruits of my love’s labors. You have moved up and on, making a life for yourself I no longer recognize or know. You have taken the love I have given you, the love that made your heart whole once again, and given it to another. I trusted it with you and you gave it away. Never again. I have nothing left to give. I have nothing left to hope. I have nothing left to want. It’s all gone and so am I. I don’t recognize me anymore. I don’t know who I am. Only that I am lost . . . .

Push

I feel the urge to write today but have no predetermined topic within which to operate. So yes, this may be very, very random, maybe even insane, but I guess that is about right. It wouldn’t be to far from the place my mind stays lately.

I just finished the book Push by Sapphire, the book from which the movie Precious comes. It was phenomenal, a word I don’t use to describe most modern fiction. Maybe that is why I felt the need to write today, I was reminded by the book that writing for your own sake can be the key to your sanity and salvation, that taking note of and understanding where you have been and where you are can push you to that place where you need to be next. It has always been the purest form of therapy for me, nothing but me and words and thoughts and feelings, all my own, all untouched and unbiased and unedited. I know I need this now, yet the words have been slow and difficult in coming. Probably because my mind rarely knows what it is thinking anymore, so how can it possibly find the words?

I don’t find it easy to turn to others for support and help. This has always been my nature – I let people in so far but rarely does anyone ever get the whole story, rarely does anyone ever know who I really am at my deepest core. I don’t know why this is. Maybe I am afraid of rejection, afraid that if they all see me for who I truly am they won’t want me after all. Maybe I just don’t want to be a burden. I am the caregiver, the nurturer, the one who is there for all no matter what, not the one who drops her problems and issues on others to soil their day. The problem is when I finally reach that point where even I am not helping myself yet I have no one else to whom I can turn, I stop being that caregiver, I stop being there for others and become so lost in my head I can think of nothing other than the jumbled, nonsensical thoughts that twist and turn inside my head. Eventually the deafening thunder and that cloud of thoughts pass and I am able to be me and be there for others once again. Then I am left feeling horrible and apologizing a million times over to those who needed me while I was gone in oblivion, lost to my own demons and tendency to turn inward rather than out.

Tomorrow is Monday and I am already looking forward to this week being over for a number of reasons. It is a big week at work and I am ready to get these state assessments over and get back to teaching and enjoying my classroom. I am looking forward to next weekend for a number of reasons, yet almost dreading it at the same time. I am at a curious place – there is this entity in my life that simultaneously inspires in me the greatest love and happiness and the greatest fear and sadness. I don’t yet know how to reconcile those seemingly conflicting emotions into one easily-handled, neatly-tied-up-with-a-ribbon-and-bow package, and I may never figure it out. It is what it is and what it is is mine to deal with. I wish some people could understand this. My fears and problems and choices cannot be resolved by another. They are uniquely MINE – owned by me, understood by me, known by me alone. Maybe this is why I don’t turn to others with what is floating around, locked inside my head. I know that I could tell them everything, all that is inside of me for which there are words and it still wouldn’t be enough. They still wouldn’t get what it is to see and know and feel and believe what I see and know and feel and believe.

So you see I have carved for myself a very lonely place. There are days I venture out and enjoy the sunlight and warmth that exists outside of my own head. There are days when I want nothing more than to be left alone to wrap the cold yet familiar blankets of my mind around me. For if no one else knows me, I do. I get it. I know what it is that is bothering me at this moment, I know what it is I am feeling, hoping for, dreaming of, crying over. If I know, is it even important if anyone else sees it too? As long as I am here to give it existence, does it matter that no one else knows it is alive?

It must matter because too often lately I have been looking to find existence and meaning and understanding and life in another when I feel all those things have all but left me. Yes, it is a lonely place, and even I am not always strong enough to be alone with it all. The question is, after a lifetime of keeping it to myself, to whom do I turn to let it all out? Who is strong enough to deal with all I cannot myself handle? And how do I ever, ever allow myself to heave all of this onto another when it is mine and mine alone and I don’t even want it?

For anyone who might read this and worry, please don’t. I am fine. This is just stream of consciousness, what is in my head at this very moment. It will all work itself out somehow. It always does.

More soon.

A Fabulous Day Indeed

Today was indeed a fabulous day, and I just want to document it so I don’t forget these days do still occasionally come along.

After a 4-day weekend because of snow, I was quite happy to return to work this morning. The obvious glee on my children’s faces to see me back in the classroom absolutely got my day off to a fantastic start. To know they expect to see me each Monday through Friday, that they want me to be an important part of their lives is one of the most rewarding parts of my job.

And they were so happy to see me that they were also on their best behavior. They were so good, in fact, they played cooperatively and orderly without much interference from me, freeing me to catch up on a few things I needed to get done after missing 2 days of work and letting me get some cleaning and planning done before next week’s annual state assessments.

Not that I had a lot of catching up to do. Due to the efforts of a fabulous substitute teacher and the best co-teacher ever (she is WAYYYYY more than an assistant teacher in our classroom) while I was out, everything was as it should be and so much had been accomplished while I was gone. I almost felt unnecessary to the classroom’s smooth sailing (*sniff, sniff*).

During nap time, I got all of next week’s prep work completed which gives me the next two days to get ready for the above-mentioned assessments, as well as next month’s planning.

The kids were almost perfect angels all afternoon, again allowing me to enjoy their company as I went to each learning station and cleaned and bleached toys and shelves, getting ready for the prying eyes to come next week.

I came home, had dinner, and finished up a few administrative items for work. I made plans to finish my night off with the hottest man I know tonight. OH! And a little personal surprise awaited me this evening which ensures a GREAT weekend to come in, oh, 9 days.

The only glitch in my day: I forgot my Bluetooth on the charger this morning so no Pandora for the afternoon commute, but even my radio station seemed to be on top of things today and didn’t annoy me too badly.

So yes, it has been a fabulous day, a fabulous day all the way around.

I hope everyone else smiled as much as I did today.

My Crystal Ball Has Gone Missing

When I turned 30 (shhh!), I thought I had figured everything out. So much had changed in my life, I was at the top of my game, high on life, and ready to take on the world. That year in so many ways proved to be one of the best of my life. I discovered who I was, what I was about, and what it was I really wanted.

Or so I thought.

I wouldn’t say I have wavered too far from all that I figured out during my 30th year on this earth, but if 30 showed me who I am and what I want, 31 has shown me the limitations that reality places on both. Like everything else in this world, who I am is subject to change, evolution, breakdown, and alteration. What I want is often dependent on the needs and desires of others, the timing, the place, and (dare I say it?) fate, or if you aren’t a believer in such things, coincidence at the very least.

My 31st year has not been one of the best, indeed, but it hasn’t been the worst either, perhaps only because I can see the silver lining hiding behind all the pain, hurt, ache, and confusion that muddled up the last year or so.

If ever there was a life lesson that proves to be nearly impossible to learn but invaluable if you can grasp it, it is the fact that you can never, will never know the future. You don’t know if you will wake up tomorrow. You don’t know if your job will survive the next week. You don’t know if the one who loves you now will love you always. We don’t control life; we can’t foresee circumstances that are as of yet unknown to us. We can’t control what others do, think, and feel, and so often it is those people we can’t control who directly affect our own lives and well being. You don’t know who will enter your life tomorrow, next week, next month. You don’t know who you will lose with the next breath you take.

I don’t intend for all of this to be depressing. Indeed, the unforeseen can be a positive thing depending on where you are in life, your perspective, and what it is you are needing to find at any given time. Down on your luck? Cling to the fact that your golden ticket could be awaiting you around the next corner. In the depths of despair today? It is almost certainly guaranteed that happiness will find you once again. You can’t see it now, you can’t feel its impending presence, but it is the nature of life. It is the ying and the yang, the balance of all things that exist. That which comes up must come down, only for it to once again raise its head and find itself on the upswing later down the road.
I guess what I am trying to say, the point of all this if there even is one, is that finally figuring all this out, finally seeing that there are no guarantees in life, only imperfect human attempts at happiness and triumph, has changed my perspective on life in dramatic ways and has very much changed who I am and what it is I want and need in my life to make me happy. I feel the remaining vestiges of childhood naïveté that clung to my heels have finally fallen away and while I don’t want to say I am jaded or bitter, I can say my eyes are now definitely wide open. I don’t blame anyone for this; I don’t hold this lesson against any one individual or his or her ilk; it is simply a lesson I had to learn and I took the rough and rugged road in finding the moral of this particular story.

I think that is enough philosophy and dramatization for one evening.

Forget

Forget every “I miss you” that you thought you heard. Forget every “I love you,” I never said those words. Erase the smiles, disregard the tears, you can even forget my name. Forget that I was the only one who gave you everything.


Ignore the pleading and the begging, pretend I didn’t fall. Ignore the questions and the crying, you can even ignore my calls. Pay no attention to what I say I need or want from you. Ignore me even as I promise I’ll always wait for you.


Watch me as I push myself off the cold, hard ground. Watch me finally walk away as I find the strength to move on. Don’t shut your eyes to me or try to hide as I finally find myself. Watch me as I say goodbye and move on with my life.


Now here I am, forgetting the one I will always adore. Now here I am, ignoring the promises he made before. Now here I am, watching as he too walks away. Now here I am finding the strength to anticipate another day.

Out of Control

Ever since beginning this blog last week, I have awakened each day with the thought of writing on my mind, and I get frustrated when a topic just isn’t there. It wasn’t very long ago I told someone else that I would write again when both the urge and a topic collided simultaneously and the words flowed independently onto the screen, yet that sentiment was quickly forgotten to me and there I was, once again trying to force that which needs to happen on its own.

Unfortunately, this seems to be the story of my life and the dominant force behind my own stress and frustration on a daily basis. Indeed, I have major issues with control.

“You can not always control circumstances, but you can control your own thoughts.”

~Charles Popplestown

I know that every single word of the above quote is absolutely true, yet I have a very difficult time remembering it on a regular basis. Upon reading the last blog, a dear friend said, “you are very philosophical.” Without a thought, I replied, “I stay stuck in my head.” In other words, I worry too much about things over which I have absolutely no control. I am a control freak to the nth degree – my classroom has to be organized in a particular way, my lesson plans have to be completed in such a way that I create way too much work for myself, I plan events and get-togethers down to the smallest detail fully knowing they won’t quite work out as planned. All of these are things I can, for the most part, control, so I don’t worry about them too much. It is those things I know I cannot control that consume my mind, often to the point of distraction.

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one's family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one's own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.”

~Buddha

I know the above quote to also be true. I set one overall resolution for myself this year, and accepting the above quote as true is a big part of bringing that resolution to fruition. Instead of trying to control that which is outside my reach, I must learn to control my mind. To find happiness and contentment with today, I must stop trying to change the course of tomorrow, especially when no one has any way of knowing what tomorrow has in store. I know this, but can I live this? I can admit to myself that I don’t have control, but can I convince myself that I can’t wrestle control from life itself?

“It makes no sense to worry about things you have no control over because there's nothing you can do about them, and why worry about things you do control? The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.”

~Wayne Dyer

And herein lies the problem: worrying about that which I cannot control takes my time, energy, and focus away from those things I can change, those things I can control, and away from being happy today, now, in this moment. I am immobilized. Instead of being productive yesterday, I spent the entire day on autopilot while my brain ached with worries about things beyond my control, things that could happen tomorrow, next week, next month, even next year. Yeah, I was sick too so I wasn’t feeling very productive anyway, yet I let my mind rule the entire day and nothing was accomplished other than reminding myself that I had resolved to stop this nonsense once and for all. “The activity of worrying keeps you immobilized.” The activity of worrying is keeping me from taking chances today, from jumping on opportunities that present themselves today because I fear what they will mean for me tomorrow, from being happy today because I fear unhappiness is awaiting around the corner. I can’t continue to live like this, and a little over a year ago, I didn’t live like this. I need to find my way back to honoring today instead of fearing tomorrow.

“I cannot always control what goes on outside. But I can always control what goes on inside.”

~Wayne Dyer

I have to learn that the vast majority of life is made up of circumstances that I cannot control. I have to accept that I cannot change that which is as of yet unknown. I can no longer lose today in fear of tomorrow. Maybe this is why I enjoy my job so much – my kids force me to live in the moment, make me focus on the here and now. Indeed, in a classroom of three-year-olds you cannot anticipate what will happen in the next five minutes, much less tomorrow. My kids bring me into the here and now. Once again, I am left thinking that my little group of preschoolers teaches me way more than I will ever be able to teach them. So here’s to letting go, to happiness in this moment, to letting tomorrow bring what it will bring. I won’t pretend that I will never slip and once again get lost in my head as I attempt to control that which I fear is waiting for me, but it does mean I will make a more conscious effort to stay focused on today, and I will find contentment in being out of control.

To New Beginnings and Lessons Learned . . .

Last weekend I made some very conscious and considered decisions about how I want to live and survive in this new decade. 2008 was one of the best years of my life if not THE best, followed by 2009 which all but shredded all of that personal progress. Or so it would superficially seem.

One of the decisions I made was to listen to the advice of one of the dearest people in my life and return to writing in some form, a hobby that has always been therapeutic to me and which always seems to purge those inner demons that otherwise trip me up and ruin my best efforts at all I wish to accomplish. To begin this new journey, take a quick look at the sidebar to the right, at the little blurb about me and what I intend to do here. I make a brief but hopefully punctuated statement about the alleys and potholes of life being necessary to recognize and appreciate the goodness of the blessings which we receive each and every day. Following that line of thought, 2008 was indeed a grand year. 2009 was not-so-stellar, but it did teach me a few very important things:

1) Don't get lazy. I became too content with the way life was in 2008, and I took it for granted that rose-tinted horizons and golden paths were all that awaited me ahead. Oops. Truth be told, happiness takes work - it takes commitment, dedication, reflection, planning, and appreciation. If you aren't understanding what you have and watching where you are going, you are bound to crash and lose it all.

2) Take time for others. Never think your happiness exists inside of a bubble. The actions of those who surround you day after day can have just as much effect on your happiness as the decisions made by you. Don't be afraid to feel others' hurts and to empathize with others who may not have it quite as good as you do. Don't be so blinded by your own happiness that you forget to nurture others even as you enjoy your own blessings.

3) Happiness isn't free. Often your happiness comes only after the heartbreak of another. No, this isn't fair and it isn't humane, but it isn't necessarily a reflection on your morality either. It is simply life at its worst. The trick is to be careful that you are not unnecessarily causing pain for others. No one else will look out for your happiness if you don't and you will never make another happy if you aren't happy within, so take what you need and nothing more. You know you have crossed the line of scruples and good conscience when you hurt others for amusement.

4) Be thankful. It is when happiness is taken for granted that it seems to slip away in the dark of night, returning only after a long, arduous, dangerous journey. Take time to recognize and appreciate the things that make your life full: family, friends, careers, hobbies, wealth, whatever, or, feeling unloved, unappreciated, and thus unnecessary, they may leave you. If you don't take notice and appreciate them, someone else will.

5) Listen to others and trust yourself. Once you have surrounded yourself with people you love and trust, it often becomes all too easy to rely on their perspectives alone when making the difficult choices in life. Often others in your life are correct and they see better than you what direction you should next travel. Yet if you take a step back and judge your situation for yourself, often you will also make the choice that is right for you. No one else knows best what you are capable of; no one but those involved gets a full grasp of the situation at hand. They key is to balance the two: take into consideration the well-intended perspectives of others as you also listen to your heart and decide just what you are willing and not willing to do next. Then do what is right for you, and do it with no regrets, no turning back, and no second guessing. Trust your own gut-instinct and let it run wild. Even if it fails you this time around, never will you ask, "What if . . .?" (I still struggle with this one.)

6) Happiness is not a right. The "pursuit of happiness" is a right, but happiness itself, not so much. Happiness is not a constant, it needs a rest from time to time, but it will not entirely leave you if you practice diligence, hard work, and keep faith when it does take its unexpected vacations from your life. If you don't trust that it can and will return, you won't make the steps necessary to travel down its path once again. Keep the faith - faith in life, faith in family and friends, faith in humanity in general, and most of all, faith in yourself to see this journey through regardless of how dark it may become. Have faith that the light will always shine once again.

With all of that said, I have faith that I have learned the necessary lessons from 2009, the lessons I was intended to learn before I could continue on in life, and 2010 is going to reward this faith and hope I still possess. I made some changes in my life as of Monday, January 11, 2010, and I have seen them through thus far. All I can do is take it step-by-step, day-by-day, and have faith that I am heading in the direction I promised to myself. And I am okay with that. Coming from a self-proclaimed control freak, that alone is a huge resolution worth some congratulations.

And another resolution completed tonight: the writer's block that has existed within for almost 8 months has been brought to an end. Today has been a fabulous day indeed. :)