I am lost. I don’t remember ever having been this lost before, even when death himself took those I love away from me. I feel empty, quite literally. I have never had this particular feeling before, like my insides are literally gone and all that is left is a hollowed piece of broken chaos. I’m confused. I saw this coming yet I refused to ever let myself believe it would actually happen. The silliest things make me cry – “nothing you confess could make me love you less” – and at that moment the hollowness seems to be drowned in salty warmth. I guess I should be grateful for that one feeling I have left, even if it is ripping me apart . . . .
This has changed me. I believed I had found my forever and instead I found my ultimate end. I saw my future in you and I saw it die. I felt things for you I had never felt before and I know for a fact I will never feel them again because never will I allow myself to give myself like this to another human being. Never again will I risk this hurt and pain and sadness and regret. It isn’t worth it. Nothing is worth this. Nothing is worth losing the only thing you ever truly wanted and fought for, the only thing in your life you gave your all to hold on to. The only thing for which you would have given up your own being . . . .
I can’t function. Someone today said I was “in a zone.” Yes, a war zone, fighting my own head and heart, torn between loving you and hating you, my heart bleeding and broken and unable to recover. I need something I can’t have. I want something that doesn’t want me. I gave all of me and it wasn’t enough, it was never enough, yet I foolishly thought it was good enough to secure everything for me. I handed over my heart only to have it handed back, rejected, trampled upon, hopelessly beating blood and lost hope. I gave it away and I can’t take it back, no matter how pretty you wrap the return package . . . .
I don’t belong here anymore. This ceased being my home when I found my home in you. I see streets I have known for years and I wonder where I am. I see people who I know love me yet they seem to be complete strangers. I carry out a daily routine that seems foreign and forced to me now. I need to get away, run as far away from here and you and myself as I can. I need to exist outside of me for a while. The question is who will carry me while I allow myself to disappear? . . . .
You took so much from me: my heart, my love, my life, my time. I am left with nothing but this damned hollow echo, yet you are left with the fruits of my love’s labors. You have moved up and on, making a life for yourself I no longer recognize or know. You have taken the love I have given you, the love that made your heart whole once again, and given it to another. I trusted it with you and you gave it away. Never again. I have nothing left to give. I have nothing left to hope. I have nothing left to want. It’s all gone and so am I. I don’t recognize me anymore. I don’t know who I am. Only that I am lost . . . .