I am lost. I don’t remember ever having been this lost before, even when death himself took those I love away from me. I feel empty, quite literally. I have never had this particular feeling before, like my insides are literally gone and all that is left is a hollowed piece of broken chaos. I’m confused. I saw this coming yet I refused to ever let myself believe it would actually happen. The silliest things make me cry – “nothing you confess could make me love you less” – and at that moment the hollowness seems to be drowned in salty warmth. I guess I should be grateful for that one feeling I have left, even if it is ripping me apart . . . .
This has changed me. I believed I had found my forever and instead I found my ultimate end. I saw my future in you and I saw it die. I felt things for you I had never felt before and I know for a fact I will never feel them again because never will I allow myself to give myself like this to another human being. Never again will I risk this hurt and pain and sadness and regret. It isn’t worth it. Nothing is worth this. Nothing is worth losing the only thing you ever truly wanted and fought for, the only thing in your life you gave your all to hold on to. The only thing for which you would have given up your own being . . . .
I can’t function. Someone today said I was “in a zone.” Yes, a war zone, fighting my own head and heart, torn between loving you and hating you, my heart bleeding and broken and unable to recover. I need something I can’t have. I want something that doesn’t want me. I gave all of me and it wasn’t enough, it was never enough, yet I foolishly thought it was good enough to secure everything for me. I handed over my heart only to have it handed back, rejected, trampled upon, hopelessly beating blood and lost hope. I gave it away and I can’t take it back, no matter how pretty you wrap the return package . . . .
I don’t belong here anymore. This ceased being my home when I found my home in you. I see streets I have known for years and I wonder where I am. I see people who I know love me yet they seem to be complete strangers. I carry out a daily routine that seems foreign and forced to me now. I need to get away, run as far away from here and you and myself as I can. I need to exist outside of me for a while. The question is who will carry me while I allow myself to disappear? . . . .
You took so much from me: my heart, my love, my life, my time. I am left with nothing but this damned hollow echo, yet you are left with the fruits of my love’s labors. You have moved up and on, making a life for yourself I no longer recognize or know. You have taken the love I have given you, the love that made your heart whole once again, and given it to another. I trusted it with you and you gave it away. Never again. I have nothing left to give. I have nothing left to hope. I have nothing left to want. It’s all gone and so am I. I don’t recognize me anymore. I don’t know who I am. Only that I am lost . . . .
Tuesday, February 23, 2010
Sunday, February 21, 2010
Push
I feel the urge to write today but have no predetermined topic within which to operate. So yes, this may be very, very random, maybe even insane, but I guess that is about right. It wouldn’t be to far from the place my mind stays lately.
I just finished the book Push by Sapphire, the book from which the movie Precious comes. It was phenomenal, a word I don’t use to describe most modern fiction. Maybe that is why I felt the need to write today, I was reminded by the book that writing for your own sake can be the key to your sanity and salvation, that taking note of and understanding where you have been and where you are can push you to that place where you need to be next. It has always been the purest form of therapy for me, nothing but me and words and thoughts and feelings, all my own, all untouched and unbiased and unedited. I know I need this now, yet the words have been slow and difficult in coming. Probably because my mind rarely knows what it is thinking anymore, so how can it possibly find the words?
I don’t find it easy to turn to others for support and help. This has always been my nature – I let people in so far but rarely does anyone ever get the whole story, rarely does anyone ever know who I really am at my deepest core. I don’t know why this is. Maybe I am afraid of rejection, afraid that if they all see me for who I truly am they won’t want me after all. Maybe I just don’t want to be a burden. I am the caregiver, the nurturer, the one who is there for all no matter what, not the one who drops her problems and issues on others to soil their day. The problem is when I finally reach that point where even I am not helping myself yet I have no one else to whom I can turn, I stop being that caregiver, I stop being there for others and become so lost in my head I can think of nothing other than the jumbled, nonsensical thoughts that twist and turn inside my head. Eventually the deafening thunder and that cloud of thoughts pass and I am able to be me and be there for others once again. Then I am left feeling horrible and apologizing a million times over to those who needed me while I was gone in oblivion, lost to my own demons and tendency to turn inward rather than out.
Tomorrow is Monday and I am already looking forward to this week being over for a number of reasons. It is a big week at work and I am ready to get these state assessments over and get back to teaching and enjoying my classroom. I am looking forward to next weekend for a number of reasons, yet almost dreading it at the same time. I am at a curious place – there is this entity in my life that simultaneously inspires in me the greatest love and happiness and the greatest fear and sadness. I don’t yet know how to reconcile those seemingly conflicting emotions into one easily-handled, neatly-tied-up-with-a-ribbon-and-bow package, and I may never figure it out. It is what it is and what it is is mine to deal with. I wish some people could understand this. My fears and problems and choices cannot be resolved by another. They are uniquely MINE – owned by me, understood by me, known by me alone. Maybe this is why I don’t turn to others with what is floating around, locked inside my head. I know that I could tell them everything, all that is inside of me for which there are words and it still wouldn’t be enough. They still wouldn’t get what it is to see and know and feel and believe what I see and know and feel and believe.
So you see I have carved for myself a very lonely place. There are days I venture out and enjoy the sunlight and warmth that exists outside of my own head. There are days when I want nothing more than to be left alone to wrap the cold yet familiar blankets of my mind around me. For if no one else knows me, I do. I get it. I know what it is that is bothering me at this moment, I know what it is I am feeling, hoping for, dreaming of, crying over. If I know, is it even important if anyone else sees it too? As long as I am here to give it existence, does it matter that no one else knows it is alive?
It must matter because too often lately I have been looking to find existence and meaning and understanding and life in another when I feel all those things have all but left me. Yes, it is a lonely place, and even I am not always strong enough to be alone with it all. The question is, after a lifetime of keeping it to myself, to whom do I turn to let it all out? Who is strong enough to deal with all I cannot myself handle? And how do I ever, ever allow myself to heave all of this onto another when it is mine and mine alone and I don’t even want it?
For anyone who might read this and worry, please don’t. I am fine. This is just stream of consciousness, what is in my head at this very moment. It will all work itself out somehow. It always does.
More soon.
I just finished the book Push by Sapphire, the book from which the movie Precious comes. It was phenomenal, a word I don’t use to describe most modern fiction. Maybe that is why I felt the need to write today, I was reminded by the book that writing for your own sake can be the key to your sanity and salvation, that taking note of and understanding where you have been and where you are can push you to that place where you need to be next. It has always been the purest form of therapy for me, nothing but me and words and thoughts and feelings, all my own, all untouched and unbiased and unedited. I know I need this now, yet the words have been slow and difficult in coming. Probably because my mind rarely knows what it is thinking anymore, so how can it possibly find the words?
I don’t find it easy to turn to others for support and help. This has always been my nature – I let people in so far but rarely does anyone ever get the whole story, rarely does anyone ever know who I really am at my deepest core. I don’t know why this is. Maybe I am afraid of rejection, afraid that if they all see me for who I truly am they won’t want me after all. Maybe I just don’t want to be a burden. I am the caregiver, the nurturer, the one who is there for all no matter what, not the one who drops her problems and issues on others to soil their day. The problem is when I finally reach that point where even I am not helping myself yet I have no one else to whom I can turn, I stop being that caregiver, I stop being there for others and become so lost in my head I can think of nothing other than the jumbled, nonsensical thoughts that twist and turn inside my head. Eventually the deafening thunder and that cloud of thoughts pass and I am able to be me and be there for others once again. Then I am left feeling horrible and apologizing a million times over to those who needed me while I was gone in oblivion, lost to my own demons and tendency to turn inward rather than out.
Tomorrow is Monday and I am already looking forward to this week being over for a number of reasons. It is a big week at work and I am ready to get these state assessments over and get back to teaching and enjoying my classroom. I am looking forward to next weekend for a number of reasons, yet almost dreading it at the same time. I am at a curious place – there is this entity in my life that simultaneously inspires in me the greatest love and happiness and the greatest fear and sadness. I don’t yet know how to reconcile those seemingly conflicting emotions into one easily-handled, neatly-tied-up-with-a-ribbon-and-bow package, and I may never figure it out. It is what it is and what it is is mine to deal with. I wish some people could understand this. My fears and problems and choices cannot be resolved by another. They are uniquely MINE – owned by me, understood by me, known by me alone. Maybe this is why I don’t turn to others with what is floating around, locked inside my head. I know that I could tell them everything, all that is inside of me for which there are words and it still wouldn’t be enough. They still wouldn’t get what it is to see and know and feel and believe what I see and know and feel and believe.
So you see I have carved for myself a very lonely place. There are days I venture out and enjoy the sunlight and warmth that exists outside of my own head. There are days when I want nothing more than to be left alone to wrap the cold yet familiar blankets of my mind around me. For if no one else knows me, I do. I get it. I know what it is that is bothering me at this moment, I know what it is I am feeling, hoping for, dreaming of, crying over. If I know, is it even important if anyone else sees it too? As long as I am here to give it existence, does it matter that no one else knows it is alive?
It must matter because too often lately I have been looking to find existence and meaning and understanding and life in another when I feel all those things have all but left me. Yes, it is a lonely place, and even I am not always strong enough to be alone with it all. The question is, after a lifetime of keeping it to myself, to whom do I turn to let it all out? Who is strong enough to deal with all I cannot myself handle? And how do I ever, ever allow myself to heave all of this onto another when it is mine and mine alone and I don’t even want it?
For anyone who might read this and worry, please don’t. I am fine. This is just stream of consciousness, what is in my head at this very moment. It will all work itself out somehow. It always does.
More soon.
Wednesday, February 17, 2010
A Fabulous Day Indeed
Today was indeed a fabulous day, and I just want to document it so I don’t forget these days do still occasionally come along.
After a 4-day weekend because of snow, I was quite happy to return to work this morning. The obvious glee on my children’s faces to see me back in the classroom absolutely got my day off to a fantastic start. To know they expect to see me each Monday through Friday, that they want me to be an important part of their lives is one of the most rewarding parts of my job.
And they were so happy to see me that they were also on their best behavior. They were so good, in fact, they played cooperatively and orderly without much interference from me, freeing me to catch up on a few things I needed to get done after missing 2 days of work and letting me get some cleaning and planning done before next week’s annual state assessments.
Not that I had a lot of catching up to do. Due to the efforts of a fabulous substitute teacher and the best co-teacher ever (she is WAYYYYY more than an assistant teacher in our classroom) while I was out, everything was as it should be and so much had been accomplished while I was gone. I almost felt unnecessary to the classroom’s smooth sailing (*sniff, sniff*).
During nap time, I got all of next week’s prep work completed which gives me the next two days to get ready for the above-mentioned assessments, as well as next month’s planning.
The kids were almost perfect angels all afternoon, again allowing me to enjoy their company as I went to each learning station and cleaned and bleached toys and shelves, getting ready for the prying eyes to come next week.
I came home, had dinner, and finished up a few administrative items for work. I made plans to finish my night off with the hottest man I know tonight. OH! And a little personal surprise awaited me this evening which ensures a GREAT weekend to come in, oh, 9 days.
The only glitch in my day: I forgot my Bluetooth on the charger this morning so no Pandora for the afternoon commute, but even my radio station seemed to be on top of things today and didn’t annoy me too badly.
So yes, it has been a fabulous day, a fabulous day all the way around.
I hope everyone else smiled as much as I did today.
After a 4-day weekend because of snow, I was quite happy to return to work this morning. The obvious glee on my children’s faces to see me back in the classroom absolutely got my day off to a fantastic start. To know they expect to see me each Monday through Friday, that they want me to be an important part of their lives is one of the most rewarding parts of my job.
And they were so happy to see me that they were also on their best behavior. They were so good, in fact, they played cooperatively and orderly without much interference from me, freeing me to catch up on a few things I needed to get done after missing 2 days of work and letting me get some cleaning and planning done before next week’s annual state assessments.
Not that I had a lot of catching up to do. Due to the efforts of a fabulous substitute teacher and the best co-teacher ever (she is WAYYYYY more than an assistant teacher in our classroom) while I was out, everything was as it should be and so much had been accomplished while I was gone. I almost felt unnecessary to the classroom’s smooth sailing (*sniff, sniff*).
During nap time, I got all of next week’s prep work completed which gives me the next two days to get ready for the above-mentioned assessments, as well as next month’s planning.
The kids were almost perfect angels all afternoon, again allowing me to enjoy their company as I went to each learning station and cleaned and bleached toys and shelves, getting ready for the prying eyes to come next week.
I came home, had dinner, and finished up a few administrative items for work. I made plans to finish my night off with the hottest man I know tonight. OH! And a little personal surprise awaited me this evening which ensures a GREAT weekend to come in, oh, 9 days.
The only glitch in my day: I forgot my Bluetooth on the charger this morning so no Pandora for the afternoon commute, but even my radio station seemed to be on top of things today and didn’t annoy me too badly.
So yes, it has been a fabulous day, a fabulous day all the way around.
I hope everyone else smiled as much as I did today.
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